Topic: Karr Amicus Xon

[*<JO>*KarrXon]

I was born on Naboo, I think.  I'm told that at the age of four, I was taken from my family and brought to the orbital enclave on Malastare, where I was administered tests and accepted into the Jedi Order for training as a jedi.

My name is Karr Amicus Xon.  I don't recall much of my youngest days in Order, I just know a couple names.  Master Zelan and Master PannTher were the highest members I recall in my tests, though there may have been others.  And there was one other master who would shape my destiny for years...

Master Wooklyn Feetz was the first master I knew in person.  I am told it was him and his padawan who discovered me during an excursion.  I was living on one of the many private homes on the plains, outside the swampy regions, when his padawan at the time met me.  I don't remember the padawan's name, but he and I were good friends for a little while.  The padawan was warm and friendly, I remember that much... because I found myself intimidated and surprised by his master.

His master, Wooklyn Feetz, was a stern and quiet man.  He wasn't very tall, but his sleek build hinted at a very muscular body, toned with years of hard living and discipline.  I still remember to this day what he looked like when I met him at my parents' home when he and his padawan came to buy supplies.  The breeze blew his dark cape up, his forearms bulged as he crossed his arms, his boots were heavy looking, his clothes simple, he approached our home with his dark hood shrouding his upper face, and his voice was deep and confident.

"What is your name, boy?" he said to me, I just stared back.  "I said, what is your name, boy?" he asked again.

I don't remember what I said next, I just remember that brief moment when the dark master stood over me.

At about the same time I was officially accepted for training, Master Wooklyn's apprentice left the order for reasons that were never disclosed to me; it made me sad to see my only friend leave, but I was told that he was leaving on friendly terms.

One day, during a beginning level sparring round, I locked against another young student of the force.  I was a couple years older and had been training in the large classes and in my own private study time. A few of the masters watched our spar with the training sabers; one of them was Wooklyn Feetz.  I don't recall who one the match, but as I left the small, bare room, Wooklyn Feetz walked out after me.

"You fight well, young one." he said to me plainly.

"Thank you," was all I had in reply.

"You have yet to be approached by a master for training, haven't you?" he asked me, having no intention of hiding his intent.

"I have not, Master Wooklyn."

"Then allow me to take you under training as my padawan learner." he said.  Of coarse I accepted and I was told that the arrangements had already been made and the council approved.

I was given a new tunic, black with blue and white alien designs, similar to the one my master wore.  I was issued an official training saber, more potent than the ones used for the youth sparring, but strong enough cut surface flesh; the hilt resembled my master's, but mine was green, unlike my master's which was blue.

This is were my real story... begins...

[*<JO>*KarrXon]

"Take up your saber, Karr Xon." Master Wooklyn commanded me, "And strike me."  Always do as your master says I suppose.

I took my new saber from my belt and flipped it on; the blade hummed, vibrant with first use.  There I stood in a pose of attack, but not moving.

"What's the matter, boy?"

"I'm afraid..." I replied, looking down at the hilt of the blade, tightening my grip.

"Afraid you'll hurt me? No, you're not so arrogant... indeed you are afraid, but of what?"

I didn't saying anything.

"Ah... I see. You're afraid.  Well don't be." he said with a smile, "See me here, standing, as your goal, your target.  You must strike me.  You will not try to strike me, you will either strike me or will not strike me.  Do not stall, do not hesitate, do wait for me to ready myself... I am readied, and if I'm not when you strike, then that is my failing, not your's."

And so I went.  I ran the short distance towards him, swinging each way I could.  First a horizontal swing across his chest, he barely moved but remained untouched. Then vertical, then diagonal, then jab!  Every move I made, he dodged with such finesse and subtlety that each time, I barely saw him move but he remained cool, collected, and untouched!  Not once did he draw his saber...

I made larger, more desperate swing, more wild and unguided... and he dodged it, but also somehow maneuvered out of my sight!  The next thing I felt was a blunt pain as the back of my head was struck and I stumbled forward!  I quickly tried to regain my balance, and once I did, I turned and saw him standing right behind where I had been.

"Come now," he said, tightening the leather glove on the hand that had struck me, "For every action there is a reaction.  The only difference when you're talking about combat and people is that it will not always be equal, and it will not always be opposite.  Don't swing a lightsaber at someone, expecting no return of volley.  Now, you have yet to strike me..."

I came at him again, head throbbing from the blow and sweat dripping down my face.  I was swinging more wildly than before, less controlled and less accurate.  This time, it was even less time before he dodged behind me again and gave me yet another strong backhand to the back of my head!

But this time I completely lost my balance and fell on my face.  I felt a trickle of blood fall from my nose.

"You're fine, you're nose isn't broken, believe me." he said immediately, picking me up by my collar and placing me back on my feet.  I drew my saber again.

I came at him again, head shot with pain and sweat and blood dripping from my face.  But this time, though I swung wildly, I knew I would get him... I just knew it, for I had a plan... a goal.

One wild swing after the other, he dodged effortlessly.  One BIG swing, he dodged out of sight... but this time I stopped midswing and turned my saber under my arm, jutting the blade out behind me!... I heard a singe!

"Good!" I heard his proclaim. And then I felt his hand grab my blade, twist my arm around and hold the blade to my neck!  I couldn't move, he had me in an arm lock! "But my tunic isn't me." he laughed in my ear.

He released my arm at last and walked to the table in the room to get a drink of water.  "You learn, and that will serve you far better than any drilled move or special power. Now put down your saber and go clean up, you look awful."

I deactivated my saber and walked to the wash rooms.  As I walked through the halls, I did not notice the other padawans looking at me with mixed reactions.

"Are you ok?" one female padawan asked.  I just looked at her, unsure of what she meant.  "Your nose..." she said, reminding me that I was bleeding.  I then smiled and pretended to care that my nose was bleeding, holding my hand to it and jogging onward to the washrooms.  A master stood off to the side, watching me.

As I was cleaning myself up, my master stepped in for just a moment.  "Meet me in the pillar room when you're done." and then he stepped out just as quickly.

As soon as I was cleaned up, I made my way to the pillar chamber, which was used for jump training.  As I stepped through the door into the large, stone chamber with the pillars of many sizes jutting out of the ground, I saw my master sitting cross legged on one of the closer pillars with his eyes closed.

"Come out here, boy," he told me, "don't hurt yourself, just get on the closest one to the starting point and we'll be seated across from each other."

I carefully stepped out onto the pillar and sat down, as my master had...

[*<JO>*KarrXon]

He just sat there and I mimicked him.  He closed his eyes and sat, so I did too, though I peeked from time to time.  I couldn't get the previous lesson out of my mind for some reason...

"So you're thinking about our lesson today..." he finally spoke.

"Yes, master."

"I can tell you think it was something of a success... correct?"

"Well, you said I learn quickly."

"But you failed... You neither touched me nor learned the real lesson."

"The real lesson, master?"

He opened his eyes and smiled knowingly.  "It's a lesson you must learn for yourself and experience... you can't just think it, hear it, or know it... that's not enough.  You have to FEEL it.  Only then do you learn in the deepest and most useful sense."  He then closed his eyes again, still smiling.

"Is that how a jedi learns?" I asked.

"Some do, yes." he answered ambiguously.

"Then how do the masters learn of the darkside and how to fight it?" I asked curiously.

His breathing seized for a moment and he opened his eyes; there was a look of deep thought on his face, but not the kind one has when he seeks truth... more like one trying to hold back something, like an emotion.

"That is not a question easily answered, boy." he said very sternly and softly, as if someone was listening in, "It is a question that has plagued the jedi for eons and will continue to do so.  It is like asking 'how does one destroy a bridge when they have no idea how the bridge is built?'  It has caused some jedi to...'fall' if you will.  It has caused others to bar themselves off from reality.  Think, boy..."

"Without experience, one cannot truly and really learn." I begun.

"Correct..."

"The Jedi is to fend off the darkside."

"True..."

"Then... a jedi must accomplish a job that he has no idea how to complete?" I finally pieced together.

"Perhaps..." he replied, leaning in closer, "...or perhaps the BEST jedi is a jedi who caries more scars than you can count."

"I don't understand..."

"You won't for quite some time, and perhaps it is for the better." he replied, again ambiguous, "But enough of this topic for now; I would like you to close your eyes."

I obeyed.

"I am holding a small round ball in my hand, you cannot see it, but I tell you it is there." he explained, "Now, I want you to imagine a place of serenity and peace, a place where you are calm."

Images began to flash across my mind... one after the other.  First, the room we were in, then moving into my memory, of the training session earlier, of the halls of the order.  I felt a wave of calmness run over me, like a cool breeze, as I saw halls of the temple.

"Goood" Wooklyn said softly, "You are getting close.  But you have not yet found your serenity, keep searching..."

Suddenly, my thoughts were whisked away; I saw stars flying by like dust, and soon my vision was fixed on a small blue-green orb, which grew larger and larger until I saw it was a planet.  The image flooded with white light and when I could see again in my mind I saw bright, verdant green fields, rolling in the afternoon breeze.  In the distance were the green mountains, dotted with waterfalls, and in the other direction the lowlands of the jungles and swamps...

"Good..." Wooklyn said, "You've found it... Naboo, your home world.  It's wide open fields of lush green. Feel it's peace, it's balance... and open your eyes."

I opened my eyes.

In front of me sat Master Wooklyn.  His hands were folded in his lap.  In the air in front of me were three small stone balls, held in the air.

The reality of where I was swept over me and the image of Naboo left me! The balls fell down into the dark between the pillars.  I felt my lungs suddenly ache and I inhaled air.

"Do you know why you're gasping for air, boy?" Wooklyn asked me, knowing I didn't know, "You haven't breathed for the past five minutes."

"What? How is that possible?"

"Every jedi has their gifts, I'm not sure what your's means, but we'll know in time. Tell me, how long does it feel like you've had your eyes closed?"

"I don't know, maybe thirty seconds?" I said, unsure.

"You've had your eyes shut for ten minutes, and five minutes into it you stopped breathing; if I couldn't have sensed otherwise, I would've thought you passed out." he said standing up.

"What does that mean?" I asked feeling hopeful.

He looked at me for a moment and then looked back away.

"Nothing that I didn't already know," he replied, "And nothing that you didn't already know either.  Some padawans who find they have the gift of the force, a strong affinity, get dreams of greater things, of being heroes.  Be sure you no such dreams, boy, they would betray you.  I tell you this because normally the state of meditation lasts longer for a young jedi the first time than it did for you. Do not disillusion yourself into thinking you are 'extraordinarily' gifted... in fact, I would almost say the opposite."

He then leaned in again.

"You will struggle, boy," he said, with smile on his face that almost scared me, "In your lifetime, you will know struggle and uncertainty. I have foreseen it.  You will know how it feels to be less than others.  I will help you teach yourself how to take that... and how to wield it."

And with that he stood and left the room...

[*<JO>*KarrXon]

Days stretched into weeks, weeks into months, and months into years; at the end of each month I was given that crucial lesson again... to strike my master.  Every time I was given the test... I failed.  Every time I was given the test... I gained a new scar.  One time I broke my collarbone, and my left forearm twice.  I had heard rumors that my master was... unconventional at times, but I was improving, there was no doubt there.

He was teaching me how to fight.

I learned and I learned as best I could.  Study, learn, grow, fight, and overcome.  I began to foresee my opponents' moves, reacting as they happened, rather than afterwards.  Most of my time with my master was spent sparring with him.  Despite the repeated injuries, I always healed up remarkably quickly.  My master was not cruel... not to me, though I think some of the other padawans thought so.  No, I was learning, and there was more joy in that than comfort could ever afford me.  And despite the bruises and tough lessons in combat I was given, my master respected me as his pupil; I just... felt it, I guess.

None of my time with my master, though, was spent in meditation after the first few months.  For the first few months, Master Wooklyn opened my eyes to the world of the force... He did not teach me about peace, serenity, and balance; he taught me how to hear, listen, and grow.  I think this was a lesson too...

I figured out early on he did not want me to be another Wooklyn Feetz, but rather be the first Karr Xon.  I think he didn't meditate with me because he wanted me to grow in my own direction, to manifest myself in the force the way I was meant to.  It was also possible that he didn't meditate with me because he wanted to see what would happen... and later I learned that there were other reasons.

And I was fine with this.  When I meditated alone, I felt like there was nothing between me and true, unbridled speech with the spirit of the force.  I quickly discovered my favorite place to meditate in the temple...

The gardens were truly magnificent.  The massive trees, lush bushes, clear walkways, small streams, and massive waterfalls were so peaceful and felt like my new home.  The sky was fake, projected by a large, environmental holo-projector hidden beneath the waterfall; everyone knew it was there.  I would often sit atop the waterfall on the cliff and look out over the canopy, or climb a tree.  And it was here I learned a simple reality of the force that, as I would discover later, so many forget...

One day, as I sat atop the waterfall, I practiced levitating a stone or two about me.  As I set them down in a small stack, bored with the game I had played for so long, I looked about, searching for a new venue of practice.  I laid eyes on the stream that led to the waterfall.  I focused, remembering a simple phrase...

"The force flows through all things, and all things are changed by it."

I focused... feeling the water. The tide was swift and unchanging.  The water unhindered in this artificial paradise.  I stretched out my hand and, seeing the water on a level I never saw water before, the tide begot an ebb.  The water swirled around the spot where I focused, like a stone was submerged there and altering the coarse of the stream... It was a small thing, but it was significant.  The force was not just able to move solids by affecting the air... it affected all matter.  I later came to practice floating orbs of water around, but that came much later.

Time passed and I learned more.

I learned how to leap, how to hold my breath (a talent that oddly enough came natural to me at times), and how to scale even the smoothest of surfaces.  Interestingly enough, I seemed to have an affinity for the hibernation ability; my record while a padawan learner was no breathing or activity for about a half hour underwater... always supervised, for safety sake.  Unfortunately, this "gift" didn't seem all that great all the time...

"Did you hear?" one girl padawan once asked her friend, "Kin set a new record today!  He was able to stay off the ground for a full twenty seconds today! Completely levitating!"

"That's awesome!" the other boy replied. "I've learned how to puncture holes in wood already with a focused push!"

"How about you, Karr?" she turned to me as we sat in the cafeteria, eating, "What's one of your gifts?"

"Well, I'm not sure what you'd call it..." I began.

"He doesn't really have any." another girl cut me off, "I mean, don't get me wrong Karr, you're tough, but I guess that's really your gift isn't it?"

My gift was to be giftless.

One day, as my master and I sparred, he broke the spar to ask me...

"Your thoughts are broken, you're not focused." he said, "Why is that?"

"Master..." I began, "It's not my gift to be giftless is it?"

"I think you're asking the wrong question, boy."

"What do you mean?"

"If a man walks with a crutch his entire life, even if it's a solid durasteel crutch with a lightsaber on the end, it's still a crutch.  A bird may feed a specific type of nut from a tree, and that bird needs it's special beak to get it; take away the beak, and the bird will die."

"I don't fully understand..." I said, feeling like I was begging to understand, but only starting.

"Tell me, boy, can a jedi be killed?" my master posed to me, "Even with all his tricks up his sleeves, is he not mortal?  Does he not need to live?  Can he not be killed?"

"Well, yes, logically...but-"

"No buts.  He can be killed.  A jedi is simply a man, or a woman, or a creature, no more.  A blaster shot can still kill him, as much as a rock to the head can.  His neck can be snapped, his body poisoned.  True, he may be more resistant, but resistance isn't immunity.  I've seen jedi master the lightsaber, never lose a duel, but fall to a well executed shot from a blaster, or a simple kick, if done correctly... and this wasn't another jedi doing the killing either... My point is, it is not the gift that makes the person strong-..."

"It is the person..." I finished for him, understanding at last.

"That's right." he smiled, "A person can use a gift and make that gift strong, but even then, if he neglects himself, he will fail.  So a jedi can jump a mile high... lure him indoors and suddenly that gift seems a little pointless.  So a jedi can use a force push to throw a person through many solid walls... if he can't tell where you are, then he can't push you.  Every strength is a weakness, and every weakness is a strength."

"How do you mean?"

"Think about it..." he smiled, leaning in as he often did when he was giving an 'unconventional' lesson, "When it comes time for your tests and you must spar against a peer, he will think you giftless and weak... Icebergs don't sink boats because they're big; the boats sink because they can only see the tip of the iceberg."

I was learning... and I was growing... I did not want any personal vendetta, I had no feelings of a bitterness.  I would not take any revenge for being underestimated, because in being underestimated, they granted me a wonderful gift... the gift of mediocrity.  I would not write history books, I would read them.  I would not be the judge, jury, and executioner; I would be in the crowd, and whenever a chance to serve the light came, the darkness would not think me a threat, making me more of a threat than it would know.

"The best victory is a victory where nobody loses, they only grow.  If you can solve a problem without pushing another person down, then... is that not a great victory?" I asked, finally understanding.

Master Wooklyn looked deeply at me, as if this was not what he meant, but he was considering it.

"I suppose, boy." he replied, thinking, "I suppose..."