Topic: The Grim Truth

[ChrisGrim]

Welcome, my name is Christopher Grim. Jedi of the Jedi Order… I am son to a murdered mother, an evil father, and brother to a man no less vile.

This is my autobiography, not to be confused with a biography which is where all the major moments and event of ones life are put, but rather an autobiography that holds my thoughts, opinions, emotions, history, and everything else.

As I continue on the journey to becoming a Jedi Master I will periodically post in here to update and hope this stands as a testament to my life in the Jedi Order.

I am in need of a place to put that which matters. A place where future Padawans, possibly even my own, can read my thoughts growing up in the Jedi Order and see the person I was.
 
More importantly, I hope it serves as some form of inspiration to future Padawans. Something to let them understand that all Jedi face tough times both in and out of the Academy, and that their troubles are like others before them and can be overcome.

Maybe if I do, my death will serve a purpose and allow someone to avoid a similar fate.

So once again, welcome to my autobiography, and may the force be with you.

[ChrisGrim]

ENTRY 1: Child of a Sinner

To give a brief update on my life, to keep those with time restraints from reading the records of previous missions.

My mother, Megan Krunit-Grim was once a Jedi in a great Academy known as the Order of the Force. He husband, Vroxil Brizit, and son Mikeman Brizit also were Jedi in the Academy.

Shortly after she was pregnant with me she found my father had fallen to the dark side. Dilluded with the twisted intentions of an Oracle, he slaughtered the Academy and nearly killed my mother.

Years later, by some fluke, I was sent on a mission with a group of Padawans to aprehend a murderer on my homeplanet of Naboo.

The man was my brother, Mikeman. Soon after out encounter Vroxil and he put the rumours of my mothers survival and my being in the Jedi Order together. Having heard she may have escaped to have her child and changed her name, it wasn't long before they realized that I, Christopher Grim, was the son of Megan Grim, once Megan Brizit.

Eventually, Master Menelaos took me to Tattooine, which would have been my home planet, to meet my mother so she may tell me this herself. Unfortunately, Vroxil and Mikeman arrived to crash the reunion.

Shortly there after my mother was killed at the hands of my father.

Once again, I was unable to beat either of them, and am probably fortunate to have made it out with my life...

Now, 4-years later, I am spending each day struggling with myself. While I know my training is important, I want to go after them and find them. They need to be captured or killed. They need to pay for their various crimes. I know I am not ready, but at the same time in some ways I just don't care. I just wan't the chance. Their justice will be my peace.

To all those who read this, know that if I do depart prematurely to go for them, I will have done so with full understanding that I will not return.

I just need to make it a few more years, just a few, and I will have trained enough to be ready. If one increaingly likely event happens, I will probably leave prematurely. But I plan to learn all I can before them.

[ChrisGrim]

The Grim Truth: Personality, Goals, and More

Personality
When you reach a certain time in your life you have to look at the person you are, person you want to be, and the person you should be.

The problem is; what if the person you are, want to be, and should be are all different?

As a person I am a lot of things. I am arrogant, brash, opinionated, sometimes ignorant, and occasionally disrespectful. I’m also confident, passionate, helpful when I can be, hard working, and can on occasion be funny.

That is who I am, for better or worse.

The problem becomes when what I am conflicts with what the Jedi Order says I should be, and in some ways the person I want to be.

In short, the entire top half of the list of my traits is frowned upon. The other half sort of goes back and forth depending to what extreme I take them to.

What bothers me is that:
(A) Do I really want to become someone who doesn’t question and doesn’t have opinions?
(B) If I don’t change is there a point to be somewhere where I’ll be held back for not falling in line?
(C) Is there a way to do both? Can I still have opinions and not always just blindly accept that which I don’t understand, but also become some form of ideal Padawan?
(D) Even if I did change, would it even matter?

Lots of questions.

I suppose my biggest fear is to become someone I hate. To never question that around me and just accept it all as “the way it is”. I’ve always believed that if you don’t understand what you’re being told to do, you should ask “why?” My fear is becoming someone who doesn’t even think to ask it.

Goals
Recently I’ve been asked whether I want what is best for the Order, or me.

Can it not be both? Allow me to explain.

On one hand I would like to be given the chance to become a Knight of the Jedi Order. Through all my goals of becoming the greatest this, or the best that, this is my biggest goal, and while I don’t believe the rank itself constitutes respect the rank itself has many perks. That’s obviously for me.

One of those perks is the ability to train a Padawan, something I take very seriously. What some don’t know about me, and those who do I’ve asked not to say anything, is that when a Padawan or Hopeful is on the server with me, alone, I take the time to train with him or her. I do so because I enjoy it, not for anyone to see.

I’ve helped quite a few members and hopefuls with Shii-Cho, teaching unique moves, strategies on how to optimize it’s strengths. I do whatever I can to make their first experiences with a saber a decent one.

Another perk is the ability to voice an opinion. I have ideas, opinions, and valid points to make that I believe could help the Jedi Order, or at the very least put a different perspective on things.

So, the question I pose is: Can a goal that helps the order still be a selfish goal? And if it is, is it an acceptable selfish goal?

I believe it is. Yes, becoming a Jedi Knight for the perks is a selfish, self centred goal, but at the same time the perks I want more then others are the ones that allow me to help the Order.

Friendships and Padawan Relationships
I’ve struggled with this more then anyone. What is a friendship in the Order?

The problem I have always found is that when I do try and trust someone, be it a fellow Padawan or my own Master, they tend to break that trust soon after.

People speak of JO as a family… But, I don’t always see it. I mean, you’re supposed to trust family. If I don’t like someone, or agree with them I’ll tell them, but if someone comes to me and has a problem with someone else, I don’t tell anyone.

Maybe that’s the wrong way, but when I think of trust, I don’t think of people taking a conversation done in confidence and running to the person it is about. Am I wrong? Is that really what trust is?

I have a lot of questions, no answers, and the even increasing feeling that I’m a fish out of water. “Normalcy is a majority concept”. In-deed it is.

[ChrisGrim]

Grim Truth - That which plagues my thoughts

I've got some things I need to get off my chest while they are still fresh inside my head.

"Potential"
There is a word that gets thrown around a lot, thrown around about everyone to varying degrees, and each of us takes it to mean something different. Some believe their potential is something to strive towards, others, like myself, see it as something to be haunted by.

"You have the potential to be a great Jedi Knight"

Well, isn't that great? So, now not only do I have to live up to my responsibilities, I have to live up to someone elses expectations of my potential, which by the way is a subjective thing in the first place. Doesn't help at all that for some reason the mark of said potential has been set so diddly high. Why must I be great? Why can't I be average or even sub-par?

Makes one wonder if "potential" is a word used to give people something to strive towards without actually being a real thing when a known screw up has such large "potential".

The Ghosts of Masters Passed
I said this earlier today...

"Whose bright idea was it to put me under the shadow of Master Menelaos?"

Seriously, does anyone understand the pressure that places on you? Honestly?! You have a Master, widely considering the greatest this clan has ever seen, and somehow I'm supposed to find a way to push out of his vast shadow and make my own mark on the clan... while he and others try their very best to make sure I don't... Or, maybe more to the point, do so on their terms and not my own...

Is that the kind of thing to do to a Padawan? Is that the kind of thing to do to someone you claim to have such large potential? Put him behind someone he can't possibly pass, behind a shadow he will always be engulfed by? Isn't the point to have the Padawan surpass the Master? Explain to me how I am supposed to do that, exactly... Go on...

Road Blocks
So, let's assume for a moment that this "potential" is a real thing and that I am in fact capable of pushing out from behind my former Masters shadow, become a great... How is anyone supposed to do that when every idea is rejected, every opinion disregarded, every advance met with an insurmountable road block that pushes you back?

Here I thought being a Jedi Knight meant something more then just being a glorified Jedi. Turns out that what being a Jedi Knight really means is you have further to be pushed down when you try and raise yourself up.

And let's not forget the biggest road blocks of them all. Masters and Ghosts who tell you all about how much potential you have and how much you can and will change the Order, and then do their best to stop you when you do as is expected of you.

Are you kidding me? Either tell the truth, that you don't want the next generation to come up and make changes, but rather to keep the status quo and keep the Order the way you want it and the way you think it has to stay... Or get out of the way and let the next generation get started.